Monday, October 12, 2009

#81-It's Britney Bitch!

It was the decade when...

Britney Spears was not so lucky.

Great moments in Speardom:

May 2000: Britney releases Oops...I Did It Again, scaling the highest peaks of pop superstardom. Clad in scarlet leather, Britney solidified her status as pop music's It girl. Sadly though, the album's title was prescient. She would spend much of the rest of the decade saying Oops!

Early 2002: Britney ends her relationship with fellow pop icon Justin Timberlake. She claims they were climbing "two different mountains." Her mountain being a whole-lot crazier.

February 15 2002: Britney tries her best to be a movie star, starring in the universally reviled gal-pal road trip fiasco Crossroads. The movie currently has a 15% rotten tomatoes ranking and garnered the actress a Golden Razzie, an award she shared that year with Madonna for her revelatory performance in Swept Away. At least Crossroads did better than Glitter. Since the Crossroads debacle Britney has shied away from the cinematic limelight. There has been no sequel talk. The world breathes a sigh of relief.

June 27, 2002: Britney officially becomes a New York restaurateur when she opens the crap-tastic NYLA, an abbreviation of New York and Louisiana (the pop star's home state). Serving such appetizing sounding dishes as southern sushi or the chocolate pyramid, the restaurant is lambasted by critics. Can't blame Britney though, seeing as she had never tried the food. She probably didn't know they were using tomatoes from old, dinted cans. Yes, it was horrible, closed quickly and left it's investors $400,000 in the hole, but it could have been worse. She could have been the chef.

August 28, 2003: Britney and Madonna lock lips at the VMA's. The clip is replayed ad nauseum. The press reacts as if Spears performed Cunnilingus on the pop legend in front of millions.

January 3, 2004: Either trying to break a Guinness world record or showing the first signs of mental disease, Britney reaffirmed the sanctity of marriage by getting hitched to her childhood pal Jason Allen Alexander in the early morning at a Vegas chapel only to have the wedding officially annulled 55 hours later. Sadly, this would be Britney's happy marriage.

September 18, 2004: Evidently not too heartbroken about the loss of Mr. Alexander, Britney married Kevin Federline, here and forever after referred to as K-Fed. Poorly groomed white trash dudes everywhere rejoice for now they too have the power to nab some pop-star poontang.

February 6, 2006: Photos emerge showing Britney teaching her baby how to drive. Two thoughts occur to America. 1. Britney = Trainwreck. 2. That baby is fucked.

Novemeber 7, 2006: Britney files for divorce from K-Fed. The world experiences the opposite of shock.

February 17, 2007: In the event that will go down as "the great shave," Spears removes all her hair at a small beauty salon in the San Fernando Valley. Some cynics say the new do was simply a ploy to avoid a drug test. Others of a more sympathetic cast suggest she was purging herself of negativity like a Buddhist Monk. Maybe she just thought Sinead O'Connor is all that and a bag of chips. One thing is certain: Britney was now officially and forever a punchline first, entertainer second. The look does not start a trend.

February 18-September 8, 2007: Britney continues to be a total fucking mess. America becomes exhausted.

September 9, 2007: A well-fed Britney opens the VMA's with a legendary performance. Watching the singer stumble through a poorly lip synched dance routine with all the enthusiasm of Karen Carpenter at a Chinese buffet is akin to rubber-necking a head-on collision. "Gimme More?" Um, I think you've had enough. One voice is raised in defense of the fallen pop star; he shouts and the world hears, "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!"

October 1, 2007: Britney loses custody of her children. When K-Fed is the responsible option, America thinks again, "those kids are really fucked."

December 2007: In some celebrity variation of the Stockholm Syndrome Britney begins dating Adnan Ghalib, one of her paparazzi. Oy.

January 3 2008: Operation Spears! Refusing to relinquish her children to K-Fed's custody Britney spears locks herself up in her LA mansion like some sort of millionaire Branch Davidian. The cavalry is called in. Celebrity bloggers have collective orgasm. Britney is whisked away to Cedar-Senai for psychological evaluation. She has now become the world most famous head case since Sybil. There is an expression that captures this moment in a person's life and/or career: rock bottom.

September 15, 2008: Somehow boomeranging back from the depths where she had fallen, Britney's new single "Womanizer" reaches number one. Maybe the dark skies have lifted?

March 2009-Present Day: Britney's Circus tour is a smash success, selling out all over America. America waits and wonders "Can the drama really be behind us?" "What is Britney now? Survivor? Joke? Self-fulfilling media prophesy? Future Hollywood Square?"

I for one wash my hands of the whole thing. To paraphrase: BRITNEY, LEAVE US ALONE!

You AUGHT to remember.

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