Saturday, October 31, 2009

#62 - Vampires

It was the decade when...

Bloodsuckers blew.

Vat happend? Ve Vampires used to be the scariest of all monsters. Evil, undead creatures who stalk helpless, beautiful young vomen who can't resist our fiendish charms and ghostly good looks until it's too late and ve have drained their bodies of every drop of their delicious red plasma. Ve slept in coffins located in gothic castles perched on vertiginous hillsides. Candleabras and cobvebs were not uncommon. And you would never, never see us galavanting about in the daytime; ve get sunburn faster than an Irishman in the Bahamas.

But, vampires now vill do anything to be popular. They don't care about tradition, it's ratings and box office they're after. They like to look at crucifixes, eat garlic and sometimes even break out into song. I know the creatures of the night make sveet music, but this is ridiculous. They hardly even drink blood anymore; I guess it doesn't go over vell vith focus groups. The vampires I used to know vere too busy changing into bats and volves and appearing in virginal young womens bedchambers to find the time keep a diary. Some vampires even walk about in the daylight now, their skin glittering like the disco ball at Studio 54. That's just, vell, gay.

Alas, it's vorking for them. Vampires are everywhere. Books, Movies, Television, Broadvay, ve are all the rage in the tventy-first century. But of course, ve've always been around-this is just the first time girls put pictures of us up in their locker. Ven did ve vampires lose our bite? Ve're pussies. This blood-sucker, for one, can't vait for the day ven vampires stop being fooder for Tiger Beat photo spreads and return to vhat ve do best: sucking.

You AUGHT to Remember.

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