Thursday, October 1, 2009

#92-Terror Alerts

It was the decade when...

Our anxieties were color coded.

The following is a confidential document from the Department of Homeland Secuity. It was a leaked by a disgruntled color-blind staffer in the department. The document was an internal reference for agents to decipher the meaning of the various color codes and learn when it would be appropriate to activate them.

Homeland Security Advisory System - Inter-office Memo #9786.7 (Confidential)

Please use the following as a reference when enabling the Homeland Security Advisory System :

RED(Severe) - If you are reading this, then good news, there is life after death! You're dead. By the time this color is activated it'll be too late. Major terrorist attack is inevitable and has probably already occured. America is now a scorched wasteland. Somewhere, Mel Gibson is riding a motorcycle around the desert and Will Smith is stranded on Manhattan with blood-thirsty zombies. If it's're toast.

ORANGE(High) - This is what the HSAS is all about! If we could get away with keeping the terror level at ORANGE we'd be set. It totally covers our asses! If an attack happens we can always say we warned the people. We were on top of it. We're the government! I mean, let's be serious, an attack is going to happen eventually, right? If we could just stay at ORANGE we'd always be prepared. If we go to RED and there isn't an attack we look like asshats who are just trying to manipulate the fears of the citzenry. But, if we set the alert to ORANGE and there is no attack...well, it's probably because we went to ORANGE. We scared them off. That's the beauty of this strata of alert; at ORANGE...we can terrify people and look efficent at the same time. We should try to be at ORANGE as much as possible. And Republican poll numbers go up to boot!

YELLOW(Elevated) - Since we can't stay at orange all the time (some people might find it suspicious) we had to come up with a day-to-day color that could still instill a little fear in the populace. So it's an "elevated" alert. We're saying with yellow, "It's not really safe out there, but there is a fair chance you might survive today. Just keep your concern elevated." After a period of time sufficient to make us look relatively safe, feel free to jump back to ORANGE as you see fit, especially if the Democrats' numbers are looking good.

BLUE(Guarded) - This color is really a formality. We had to include to make sense on the continuum. We're never going to actually use it. I mean, how would that help us in the next election cycle?

GREEN(Low) - Hallejuah! Praise Jesus! After the long battle of Armageddon all the infidels were cast down with Satan into the lake of fire. The rapture has taken all the true believers in a glorious moment of mass assumption. The lion and the lamb are busy doing the nasty together at the Bronx Zoo and Jon and Kate have to decided to re-marry. Yes, the terror alert is finally green.

P.S.- To the mid-level government official currently reading this blog after it got a red flag in your vast secret spyware network installed illegally on all home computers, please know this: this post was a joke! I don't really have any secret government documents. This is just satire. HA HA. I'm sure you have a great sense of humor down in Langley. Please don't put a sack over my head in the night and send me me to Gitmo. I was just making a funny. Just making sure you knew....

You AUGHT to remember.

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