Monday, October 26, 2009

#67 - Pluto gets demoted.

It was the decade when...

The little planet that could, couldn't.

Pluto's Lament

Yes, it's true, I'm small. Is that a crime? Ok, I'm even smaller than the earth's moon. But, all the more reason to admire my fortitude over the years. I've had it rough man! For most of history no one had any idea I even existed, then, when they weren't sure if I was really there, they called me Planet-X, as if all Plutopians were hard-corn porn purveyors (it's actually only around 75%). Finally, in the cruelest cut of all, they named me after a laxative. You thought Uranus had it bad. I might as well be Planet X-Lax. That's what you call having the deck stacked against you.

But against such odds, I succeeded; I became the favorite planet of children everywhere, and by a large margin. Ok, that might have something to do with a certain animated dog, but, that pooch is not named Neptune for a reason people! Now they want to call me a "dwarf planet." DWARF! I already have size issues. Couldn't they have labeled me a "mega-asteroid" or "giga-comet" instead? Something to give me a scrap of dignity. Throw me a bone here folks. You're just toying with my emotions now. And that Neil deGrasse Tyson guy has some weird vendetta against me. What a prick.

I think you're all making a horrible mistake. Think about all the children who learned My Very Exquisite Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas. It doesn't even make sense without PIZZAS! My Very Exquisite Mother Just Served Us Nine...? Nine What?!? Inquiring minds want to know.

No? I don't get to be one of your solar system's planets anymore? Fine. FUCK YOU Scientists! You know what, for all time my name will go down as a banner for all unfairly shat upon little guys everywhere. Losers, I embrace thee. To all the Plutoed people out there- rise up! Demand your planetary status (or real-life equivalent). Yes, everyone's been Plutoed at one time or another, just now they know what to call it. I'll even be the word of the year! Revenge is mine.

(Okay, I'd still rather be a planet again.)

You AUGHT to remember...

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