Monday, December 14, 2009

#19 - Celebrity Babies

It was the decade when...

Celebrity progeny were as famous as their parents.

Apple Martin -

Ah Apple. Adorable Apple. Ye of fruitsh name. Last name Martin no less! Your oh-so-sophisticated parents (almost) named you after an overpriced sickly-sweet cocktail; I don't know about you but if my last name is Collins I'm not naming my kid Tom. All but setting up years of school yard taunts, the Martins, in their first action as parents, showed themselves to be either totally oblivious naifs, mild sadists, or strained ironists. In any case, Apple is the one who will pay the price. (Maybe the Mr and Mrs. Martin thought...when your Dad is a rock star and your mom an Oscar winner, bullies tend to go easy on you. Probably true.) Here is Ms. Paltrow's defense of the unusual name:
It sounded so sweet and it conjured such a lovely picture for me – you know, apples are so sweet and they're wholesome and it's biblical – and I just thought it sounded so lovely and … clean! And I just thought, "Perfect!"
Gwenny! Love you doll, but Apple is not a biblical name. Ishamel is a biblical name. Bernadette is a biblical name. Fuck, Madonna is a biblical name! Apple...that's a food. The bible has an apple in it but, what's your point? Are you going to name your next kid frankincense?

Shiloh Jolie Pitt -

Though the Jolie-Pitt operation has practically become an orphanage at this point, you Shiloh are special. You are the first (though as of 2008 not the only) biological child of the world's hottest, most famous couple: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, aka Brangelina. This being the case, your DNA alone should keep men drooling. You can expect to grow up and become the most beautiful girl since Helen of Troy. Congrats. All your adopted brothers and sisters must resent you so. You even got a wax figure of yourself in Madame Tussaud's. Maddox was bestowed no such honor.

This being said...why are you kinda fugly? (Ok, I said it, but you, dear reader, were thinking it!). Seriously, is it just me or do you look a little downsy? Maybe expectations just ran too high but you Shiloh are definitely a sufferer of UBS: ugly baby syndrome. (See Seinfeld episode: here.) I realize that evaluating the beauty of a baby is tacky, and gross and stupid (and even vaguely creepy). I even understand that a baby's attractiveness bears little relation to their future beauty, but...your parents are BRAD PITT and ANGELINA JOLIE! You were expected to make the Gerber baby look like Quasimodo.

Don't worry Shiloh, everyone has an awkward phase, maybe you should be grateful that yours was when you couldn't even go to the bathroom for yourself. I am sure in 20 years, when you are on the cover of Vogue (or Vogue's holographic teleputer multimedia download), you'll laugh at what a funny-looking baby you were. Because if you turn out anything but stunning, the study of genetics will be proved to be nothing but hogwash.

Suri Cruise -

I feel bad for the Cruise-Kidman kids. No one cares. No one takes their picture. Does Tom even see them? Who knows? They don't matter. Kidman and Cruise worked hard to keep them away from the spotlight. How stupid is that? Everyone knows that babies and young children love nothing more than to be accosted by hoards of paparazzi from they day they are born. The flashing lights are oh-so-pretty. Kidman and Cruise's kids are adopted anyway. That's no fun. Everyone knows you love adopted babies less than your real ones. I mean, duh!

We must understand Suri Cruise, the child created by the entity known as Tomkat, in two modalities. There is Suri the person: an adorable, smiling young child who has been thrust into one of the most unique and scandal prone family situations this side of Buckingham Palace. This is the Suri we should care about, and the Suri who deserves both a modicum of privacy and maybe even a little pity. Then there is Suri, the press release: a baby who proved that Tom 1) Actually slept with his new paramour (why were those Kidman babies adopted anyway??) and 2) Was serious enough about the relationship to have a baby in the first place. Tom's career needed a child, a biological child, and Suri fit the bill. And to think, she didn't even have to go to central casting. (I don't think.)

Where is this all leading? Either these celebrity babes will use their vast fame and copious opportunities to do great things in the world (and maybe even become great stars themselves) or we are setting ourselves up for the worlds most pathetic reality TV show ever: I was a celebrity baby, get me out of here!

You AUGHT to Remember...

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