Sunday, September 27, 2009

#96-Rachael Ray

It was the decade when...

...we realized that cooking took no effort, skill, or time.

Hello Everyone,this is Rachael Ray and welcome to Thirty Minute Meals.That's right.In just thirty minutes I'll cook a three course meal from scratch,ready to serve and eat.Today on the menu is cream of mushroom "stoup,"that's a cross between a soup and and stew but it's a lot more fun when you call it a"stoup."We also have authentic piping hot Pepperoni Pizza and Chocolate Chip ice cream.Ok,let's get started with the stoup,my cross between a soup and a stew,cause it's really more than a soup but not quite a stew so I call it a stoup.Did I say that already?Sometimes I repeat myself.This is a very hearty and thick stoup,more of an entréetizer-that's what you get when you have an entree size appetizer,but I think it's cuter to call it an entreetizer.I love thinking of these things.I love being cute.OK,so let's go to the pantry here and grab ourselves some salt and pepper and some EVOO,that's short for extra virgin olive oil.Start to heat your pot and add,I don't know,like a splash of EVOO,that's short for extra virgin olive oil to save time,and let that start to simmer,like this.Oh,I love the smell of EVOO,aka extra virgin olive oil but I think it saves time just to say"hey,grab some EVOO"instead of"hey,grab some extra virgin olive oil,"it just mmmm...smells like Italy,not that Italy smells that nice really.Last time I was in Naples all I could smell were the mangy dogs.I don't know why I am telling you this but I have to keep talking while this EVOO,good old extra virgin olive oil...only get the extra virgin kind by the way,simmers in the pan.I can't just you know,let it simmer in silence.So OK,now that it smells so good in here let's get really cooking.We are making Cream of Mushroom Stoup so for the next step we are going to add a can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup to the pot.That's right.You are watching a cooking show where the host actually encourages you to use pre-made canned food.It's ok though.No worries.We are all about convenience here on 30 Minute Meals.In fact that is why people love me.I'm just like you.I mean, seriously.I'm just like you.I don't know what I am doing here.I don't know how to cook.I can't believe I actually pretend like I am a chef every single day.Why am I telling you this?Oh yes,JUST KEEP TALKING.And smiling.I have to keep smiling too.No matter what.Smile and talk.Smile and talk.And I got on Oprah doing this.OPRAH!She loves me.Well,that smells delicious,but this is a stoup remember,not just a soup,so we need a little more EVOO,that's my little acronym to save time instead of saying Extra Virgin Olive Oil every time.Also maybe,oh,a pinch or so of salt.Whatever works for you,you know.According to taste.I mean,I actually recommend that you ignore my recipe.You'll fare better on your own.But a pinch of salt works for me.I think.I've never actually made this before but I ran out of recipes.I hear this one is tasty though.I cry at night.No one knows that.You really think I'm this perky all the time?I'm dead inside.If I stop talking,I'll burst into tears.Why do all the gay men love me?Why do I love them?OH GOD!SMILE!I'm glad this show is only a half hour.When I talk for an hour straight it usually ends up costing me 250 bucks.Man,it smells good in here.Thank God for Campbell's,otherwise cooking stoup might actually require skill and effort.That's no fun.So our stoup is almost done.Let's do the pizza last and just work on the ice cream now.We'll just walk over here to the freezer and grab a bag of Chocolate Chips and some Breyers Vanilla Ice Cream.I like to put the ice cream in a bowl and then take the chips and pour them on the ice cream,like so.Then I just like to finish it up with a shot of delicious Extra Virgin Olive Oil or as I like to call it for short,EVOO.So,that's what I call my ten second chocolate chip ice cream.I'm getting my own talk show.Can you believe it?Really!Me.Talking.On my own talk show.And to think on the playground the kids used to say my voice sounded like a brillo pad.They used to ask me if I swallowed thumbtacks as a baby.And now I talk for a living.TALK TALK TALK.I love TALKING.Look at the time.We are almost done here.

The Doorbell Rings

Oh,my gravy!Finally!Oh,about that doorbell.I forgot to mention that you should order a pizza to be delivered before you start cooking.I just like to serve it as it is-warm and sliced-but for a extra bit of pizzaz I like to pour a lot of EVOO-which is now in the Oxford English Dictionary as the official abbreviation of Extra Virgin Olive Oil-on the pizza.So delicious.And there you have a 30 minute meal made and ready to eat in just 30 minutes.See you next time on 30 Minute Meals.YUM-O!

You AUGHT to remember.

1 comment:

  1. It took me almost half an hour to read #96. I was laughing so hard. Tears streaming down my face. Haven't had a cathartic release like that in ages.

    Thank you!