Thursday, September 24, 2009

#99-ASS-Flu (Avian, Sars, Swine)

It was the decade when...

Pandemics of Biblical Proportion spread uncontrollably throughout America reaking havoc and tragedy in their wake.
Oh, wait...they didn't.

This is a red alert. This is not a drill. This is not a test. We are not fucking around. A new disease is about to hit America. It will be nothing like this country has ever seen. It's a good thing we have 24 hours to fill on this news network so that we can cover this story NON-STOP. Let's cut to our reporter who is standing outside the hospital where the first known American patient is being treated. Chad?

Thanks Ted. I am standing here outside United Memorial Hospital where the first known case in America of the Avian-Sars-Swine Flu Virus, or ASS-Flu, is being treated. We really know very little about this outbreak, but citizens in the area are already taking precautions. You see people with masks, wearing gloves, avoiding inclosed spaces, retreating to nuclear fallout bunkers. It is a small state of panic in this usually sleepy bedroom community. We have a graphic here showing the possible spread of the disease in 48 hours should it go uncontained. As you can see 90% of America would be covered in just 48 hours. Of course, the CDC does point out that this is just a possible projection and relies on the majority of the country eating raw Emu droppings. Still, the image is shocking.

Chad, what do we know about this patient?

Well, Ted she is a caucasian female, 95 year old, with a previous history of pneumonia and chronic emphysema but otherwise was a pillar of health...wait a second....wait a second...I am getting word right now that the patient has, in fact, died. The hospital is announcing that she is the first American mortality from the ASS-Flu. This is really shocking. Truly Ted. If this 95 year-old with chronic emphysema can succumb to ASS-Flu. Why couldn't anyone?

Thanks Chad. One thing is for sure, this isn't like last time ladies and gentlemen, or the time before that, or even the time before that. This time we all have cause to be concerned. And we'll be here on PNN, the Perpetual News Network, all night long keeping you informed on the latest developments with this new ASS outbreak. PNN, your first stop for health. [Cut to: Fast Food Commerical]

You AUGHT To Remember.

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